- [Door opens] - [Jules] Hey, sweetie.
Look who drove down to cheer you up,
even though I said it would be overwhelming to wait hand and foot
- on two boys the whole weekend. - Long intro.
- Love sucks. - Yep. Love is a battlefield.
- Did you just quote Pat Benatar? - Often do in tough situations.
Trav, is there any way I can help?
I asked my girlfriend to marry me, she said no and moved away forever.
So, no, I guess. I'll be downstairs.
J-Bird, you fixin' to make lunch?
Hmm. Perfect.
I have never seen Travis like this before.
Heartbreak is tough.
When your mom passed, I felt like my life was over.
More mayo, please. I'm 70, who cares?
When Smith dumped me, it literally took me months to get back to a place
where I could sleep with random dudes to feel good about myself.
Have some chips, sweetie.
I'm so glad you're here.
See? Jules is glad to have her dad visit
because she understands the value of family.
He is just mad because his brother is passing through on the way to Miami,
and I don't want to let him spend the night with us.
You're bitching about one night?
- Eat your chips, jellybean. - I don't wanna.
- Play with the bag. - What?
And it's not just my brother she won't let visit. My mom, who is single,
and actually quite hot for her age. You'd like her.
Don't pimp out your mom, son.
- Oh, yes, sir. - [Whispers] Is she hot?
- [Grunts] - Hmm?
What?
[Bag crinkling]
I'm going to say something to you that I promised I would never say.
- I agree with Andy. - [Gasps]
- Yes! - I think his brother should stay.
Forget for one second that if you let one Torres into your home,
every second and third cousin on the Eastern Seaboard will drop by to say hi.
Andy and his brother don't speak!
Nestor's still pissed I never learned Spanish,
so he won't speak to me in English.
[Speaking Spanish]
- Seriously? - And the worst part is Nestor's wife.
- Jules, she's all over him. - [Chuckles]
It's only for one night. I can get you through this.
[Both speak Spanish]
Stop it.
OK, I'm gonna sit over there.
Oh, honey, it's so dark in here. Let me turn some lights on.
- [Groans] - Or we can keep it dark.
You know, we could be like mole people.
They're real, you know. They live in sewers...
Mom, just leave me alone. Please.
Well, I'll be downstairs, if you need me.
[Chittering]
No, you are not gonna play roller hockey again without your kneepads.
You're not that good of a skater. He's like a newborn calf on wheels.
- [Chuckles] - No, I'm not. Can you pass me those?
- And I'm off! [chuckles] - OK, honey, when you fall down,
try to fall on your bottom. All right, love you!
- [Laurie] Bye, snookums! - Land on your bottom!
Man, you over-mother G-whiz just like you're over-mothering Trav.
Shouldn't let him mope around up in his room forever.
Let's put together a list of ideas.
[Clears throat] Dang it! I hate that you never have a pen around.
That's why I didn't write you that note when your aunt or doctor called
- about that happy or sad thing. - This is my fault.
I should've written a note by the phone that says,
"Bobby, do not answer my phone."
Oh. I was wrong. Here it is.
We could take Trav to the mini-golf course that just reopened.
It's not a crime scene anymore. They found the head.
- Windmill? - Lighthouse.
- We could take him to a strip club. - I'm in!
- Dad! - Sweetie, your mom is dead.
Plus, there's boobs everywhere.
All right, no one is taking my son anywhere, OK?
I mean, not to the site of the putt-putt murders,
and definitely not to a nudie bar.
- Fine, got it. - OK.
And, Dad, tonight when I'm saying my prayers, I'm telling Mom what you said.
- Oh, please don't do that. - It's too late.
Your mom had the most beautiful boobs.
She really did.
- [Doorbell ringing] - Ah...
Where's Jules? I thought she was going to help you get through this.
I'm gonna be OK for a few minutes.
- [Door opening] - Ah! Hey, girlfriend!
- Oh. - Ooh.
- Somebody tastes like fancy lotion. - [Door opening, closing]
Fighting the age dragon, huh, sister? Ooh. [imitates sword clinking]
Stay back! I want to be young!
- Actually, I... - [imitates sword sheathing]
- Now, you! Come here, handsome. - We'll talk later.
Oh.
- Oh, wow, we're lip-kissing. - [Door opening]
- That's, uh... - [door closes]
[Speaks Spanish]
Yes, Nestor, I learned Spanish.
I'm kidding, I didn't learn Spanish. I guessed what you were saying.
[Speaking Spanish]
- Thank you, I have lost weight. - Now I'm mad at you, buster.
Oh, no, buster. What'd you do?
Why do you feel the need to push his buttons?
- [Laughs] That tickles. - Bet this tickles, too.
[Both laugh]
- She's pushing buttons! - Look at the positives.
Andy is getting foreplay, and you don't have to do it. Do I hear laughing?
[Woman] And two, and three, and four.
[Jules] All right, I'll be right there.
[Cell phone beeps]
So, you're telling me that you didn't wear knee pads
because the other guys were making fun of you?
And because I'm not a baby.
Ow! Ow, it stings! Blow on it, blow on it!
[Inhales sharply, mutters]
Hey, I scored a goal today.
[Men chattering indistinctly]
[Man] Watch it! On three...
[grunting]
Ha! That was... I scored... That was my first goal! That's my first goal!
If you won't take care of yourself, then you're not allowed to play anymore.
- [Chuckles] You're not my mom. - Don't sass me! I am not in the mood.
Now take off your death-skates and I'll give you a ride home.
- I'm gonna rollerblade home. - I'll visit you in the hospital.
Jules, Jules, wait.
Can you help me down?
Well, all right. Come here.
Ow! [whines] Ahh.
Oh. Where's Trav? I wanted to check in on him before I go save Ellie.
Needed by everyone. Hello.
Yeah, Bobby couldn't find a pen so he left me as a note.
[Imitates Bobby] "Hey J-Bird, I took Trav out with your pops
to go see some hooters. Don't wait up."
Oh, boy...
They basically kidnapped Trav and took him to a strip club.
I mean, that is the last thing he needs right now, you know?
Totally. So do you think Andy's happy?
I don't think that's something we should hash out right now.
Good seeing you, Jules.
[EIlie] This is horrible.
I can't crush her, because that will just explode
in a huge family crisis for Andy and his brother.
But I need to let out my mean.
Here's an idea: Jules, you'll be my human stress ball.
- All right. - When I'm about to lose it on Angela,
- I'll just crap all over you. - That sounds great. I'm leaving.
- What? No! - Yes.
- Stay. Ham. - Can't. Cheese.
I really have to go, but we're definitely playing this game later.
Stupid strip club.
You know, if they wanted to see some dumb townie ho flopping her ta-tas,
all they need to do was stay here and give ten dollars...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know where you're going with this.
Let me finish... You.
[Gasps] Oh. Who is that little person in your house?
The cousins are coming.
Fine, Jules. Yes, I'll meet you at the strip club.
Yes, I am being careful...
Hold on, I gotta go. There's a, uh... There's a guy here.
What's up, little baller? [chuckles]
Parents taught you not to talk to strangers, didn't they?
Say, uh, you want to ride together for a little while?
Yeah? You feel me, playboy. Let's do this, let's ride.
Now, Travis, I don't want you looking like a nancy in there,
so let's talk a little bit about making it rain.
I like a nice three-dollar drizzle.
- Awesome. - [Horn honks]
- Oh, sick, Mom's here. - [Car door opens]
- Come on, Trav. Let's go. - Oh, no, no, no, no.
You took your swing. Now it's my turn, all right.
The boy needs to forget his troubles by staring at some honks. Come on.
No, don't do this. Don't you dare walk through that door!
Don't you dare walk through that second door!
- [Sighing] - Come on, come on, honey.
Here, have some singles.
- Is this why you always have singles? - Yeah. [chuckles]
[Indistinct chattering]
- I don't know either. - OK, here she comes.
Try not to enjoy her...
[whispers]... skanky, grab-ass... [normal voice] so much.
Ooh, look at this guy.
Oh, here's some for you so you don't get jealous.
Mmm... I'm sorry. I don't like that.
- Oh. OK. - [Chuckles]
So, um... Angela, how are things with Nestor?
Oh! I am so lucky to have him.
I mean, Nestor's kind and handsome, and he worships me.
And old fantasies, you know, they're just that, fantasies.
- They're never really gonna happen. - Good for you.
On the other hand, you never know. Things change. People die.
[Door opens]
- What? - [Door closes]
- [Sputters] - What? What?
If I get murdered, I need you to tell the police something.
- Seriously, if I had a dime... - Why are you here?
There are three things I would never miss:
You getting tortured, boy band reunion concerts,
and videos of horses giving birth.
Ellie, they come out looking like ponies.
- I've seen it. - [Nestor] Laurie?
[Speaks Spanish]
Come on!
Oh, it's dead in here. Let's go.
We can't scrap your genius plan now.
Honey, why don't you grab a table near the pole. Excuse me.
Follow me, Grandpa.
I just said "Follow me, Grandpa" in a strip club.
Excuse me, miss, are there any naked ladies around
that could shake it for my family?
It's just me. Everyone else is picking their kids up from school.
That's hot.
I'm supposed to nude up if anyone comes in.
[Rock music playing]
Almost got through my shift.
OK.
You go, girl! This is for therapy.
So, Trav, you want to split some curly fries?
Not unless it comes with a gun.
Wow, it's a big hill. I'm not really great at stopping, you know?
Strip club's down there, right?
You're gonna do great once you start chasing tail.
Just be careful about getting into relationships. [chuckles]
No, once a gal gets her hooks in, then it becomes all about controlling you.
Honestly, sometimes you start to wonder if you two are even...
...truly meant to be together.
I mean, just once, I wish Jules would sense
when I need to do something for me...
Even if it is stupid.
[Scoffs]
Oh, boy. OK. How much do I owe you, doc?
[Chuckles] My bad. Let's do this, you ready?
- [Dog barking in distance] - As far as you go, huh?
[Southern accent, deep voice] Well, brother,
it's been an honor riding with ya. [Normal voice] See ya.
- [Indistinct chatter] - If someone was up on my man like that,
- I would lace up my ass-kicking boots. - [Speaking indistinctly]
Of course, it would take about 45 minutes, they go up to here.
- Of course. - Just be honest with me.
You're really not wearing cologne? That's your natural smell?
It is, I swear.
[Sniffs, whispers] Wow!
I bet I could cram a whole turkey in your mouth.
- What? I didn't do anything to you. - I gotta get the mean out.
Oh, right, right, right.
But I'm not Jules. I don't wanna be your stress ball.
- I love yoga, do you love yoga? - No.
Oh, it's so good. I feel very limber with it. Like, watch this...
No, you don't have to...
- Wow, OK. Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
Your toes are huge. It's like looking at a sandal full of bratwurst.
I am very sensitive about my sausage toes.
You're gonna hurt my feelings. Please stop.
- And breathe... - [coughs] Oh!
...and breathe. - Oh!
[Andy and Angela continue chattering]
Don't.
[Andy] Oh!
- Sometimes you look like a dude. - Aah!
Don't go.
[Whispers] Come back.
I mean, I don't wanna do anything anymore.
I don't want to eat, shower, put on sunscreen...
I mean, ultimately I put on sunscreen. I have to. I'm a pale weirdo.
[Sighs] Maybe that's why she left me.
I mean, I... loved her.
And she just... walked away.
Do you have any idea what that feels like?
My fianc� was murdered by a drug lord.
So you get it.
Grayson, where the hell are you?
[Shouting] Too fast!
[Screaming]
- [Thudding] - Oh!
So how's this going? Do you feel like a good dad?
Yeah, I'm crushing it.
- Oh, you were talking to him. - So I'm the bad parent,
just because I'm trying to clean up the mess that you created.
- Did you hear him? - No, I'm just an old man eating fries.
You baby that boy so much, he has no idea how to deal with pain.
And now he hits one bump in the road and he falls apart.
At least I was there.
You know, two years of being an OK dad
doesn't make up for 17 of being a crappy one.
- Are you gonna play that card again? - I'm done talking to you.
Travis, let's go.
- Oh, he took your keys and left. - What?
He also said that you'd give me a ride home.
If I'm late, my boyfriend locks me out.
Fantastic.
- It's your fault Trav left. - I'm not talking to you.
Well, then who's going to tell me I'm a crappy parent?
- You could just ask anyone. - Yeah, but...
Stop. Not talking.
- Are those two going to be all right? - Oh, it doesn't matter, honey.
- They haven't been married for years. - [Chuckles]
Well, thanks for the ride.
- Are we talking now? - Nope.
Dang it. I had a zinger.
[Pounds on door]
Hey! Unlock the door!
[Groaning]
It's you. Wow, it is crazy how much you look like me as kid.
Are you even real?
Are you me?
- [Tires screech] - How's the skating going?
- Hey, did you guys see a little kid? - What kid?
Whoa.
Oh, there he is.
Hey, hop in, you can ride on my dad's lap.
Not as much fun as Destiny, but he does have a feminine frame.
- Wow, you're Ionely. - I really am.
Look, I said I'm blading home and that's what I'm doing.
- Oh, Grayson... - Just get in, G-Iove, come on.
No, no, no, guys, leave him alone.
He needs to do this. Don't you?
I don't think you've ever said anything that means more to me.
- She really loves this fruit? - [Chuckles]
Yeah, he's all right.
Hey, jellybean. I'm sorry. I just...
- Seriously? - Come on, how is that not funny?
- [Scoffs] - Look, I am really sorry.
I shouldn't have used you like that.
- You shouldn't have. - Let me make it up to you.
Come over for dinner tonight, and I'll cook all your favorites.
Nachos, pizza rolls,
wiener sniglets, or whatever else it is that you wolf down your cake face.
I know you just want me there to be your punching bag.
And even though now I'm majorly jonesing for wiener sniglets,
whatever the hell those are, you can forget it.
I know that sometimes it feels like you and I
just tolerate each other for Jules.
But I'd like to believe in my heart that, when it really matters...
...we'd be there for each other? - Even you don't believe that!
You put a question mark at the end of the sentence.
I do believe it. Deep down, I really care about you?
You did it again! [scoffs]
[Ioudly] But we're friends? You're pretty?
Your hat's not dumb at all?
I'm doing it! [laughs]
- I'm doing it! [laughs] - You look great, baby!
J-Bird, if I want to say I'm sorry, can we talk again?
- Yeah, OK. - Well, I don't.
- Get out. - You get out!
- I hate you! Die! - [Yelling]
What are you guys doing up there?! Huh?
- Come on, that's enough. - [Groans]
Jules, when you were 15, you had the flattest chest in town.
Dad, why?
Every night I heard you crying your eyes out over it.
And I found myself praying to the boob fairy for them to come in,
because I just wanted it to work out for you.
They did. I mean, look at her.
One boob's great and the other one's perfect.
- Oh, thanks! - Well, it took over a year.
And the more it crushed you, sweetie, the more it just killed me,
because I couldn't fix it for you.
Don't you dummies get it?
You're not really mad at each other,
you're just frustrated because, for the first time,
Trav has a problem that neither one of you can fix for him. And that hurts.
And so, what you ought to be doing instead of fighting,
is trying to take care of each other.
[# Matt Hires: Turn The Page]
Whoa!
- Oh! - [Thuds]
Oh!
I made it home! [laughs]
I'm... Oh, God!
- [Indistinct chatter] - [Sighs] I made dinner. Enjoy.
- Good, I'm starving. - He's hungry. That's adorable.
- How is that adorable? - Oh, Ellie. You only see from here.
Try seeing from here.
OK, breathe. Your stress ball has arrived.
Jellybean, I can't believe you came.
Yeah. I wore sandals so you can mock my toes more.
I even ate a lot of salt, so those porkers are bigger than usual.
[Giggles]
Ooh. OK, go ahead. Have at it.
I can't. You showed up for me, and I can't count on many people to do that.
- Thanks, Laurie. - You used my real name.
You earned it.
Aw. So what now?
Hey, Nestor?
[Speaking Spanish]
I heard my name. What'd she say?
[Yells in Spanish]
[Screeching]
- Andy! - [Men grunting]
I was hoping he would tackle her.
[Grunting, yelling in Spanish]
Fun day, huh?
Night, sport.
Trav, you OK, buddy?
We're here for you. You wanna talk about it?
No.
[Sighs] I really think you need to mend fences with your brother.
You know, maybe learning a little basic Spanish would help.
- All right, I'll give it a try. - OK.
Now, to apologize, you say... [speaks Spanish]
[Repeats in Spanish]
Perfect. Now you say, "You're my brother, and I will always love you."
[Speaks Spanish]
[Repeats in Spanish]
[Chuckles] Close, very close. But more passion.
Clench your fist, so he knows you mean it.
[Speaking Spanish]
Ah... One more time. But whisper it.
[Whispers in Spanish]
[Moans, chuckles]
- Very good. - Yeah? Good.
Maybe to feel more Spanish, you should take off your shirt.
Ellie!